Monday, December 12, 2011


In complex situations with varied deltas and vectors you end up with anomalies, remainders or intermittent outliers. Sometimes, even after you've eliminated many of the concerning pieces, there is a delta or issue that fails to resolve. No matter how good the other data is, no matter how consistent or inconsistent the issue, you could still end up with a residual issue. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about that.

Consistent Delta

I find my social awkwardness debilitating sometimes. People mistake anxiety for anger or misinterpret some action and you never really figure out how it started or how long that misconception is occurred because you are so off-putting no one really confronts you about it. Now add in my physical size, overly sarcastic nature and my tendency to hermit and not communicate...well, it's terribly hard to get to know people.

It's been a pretty consistent issue most of my life and I think it's lead to general inability to understand the subtleties of other people's communication.

It also causes me to be over cautious to the point of paranoia because I'm not use to people being direct with me. So when I feel like there is something going on or being talked about that I'm on the outside of, or if I'm just not in the same head space as others and so not getting the vibe of the situation, I feel more alienated and alone than if I were by myself. It makes me irritable and anti-social.

Now for my final factor might I present: hyper-vigilance. It means that I notice....a lot. Maybe not everything but I do notice a great deal. It's one of the things that makes it so exhausting to be in public situations. It's like being assaulted sometimes.

The perfect storm of these problems sometimes means that I might alienate someone I really liked or misunderstand everything from intention to interest. Sometimes, it's making a bad joke that no one really gets.

Generally it's worse with new people than people I am comfortable around but that's not always the case. It can happen with people I'm really close with as well.

Sometimes it gets bad enough that I make other people uncomfortable or include them on the issue when they were having a good time or just didn't want to be included. That feels worse than the original feeling could even begin to touch. What's even worse than that is when people start adjusting their behavior to make me more comfortable. I'm uncomfortable with anyone solving my internal problems but me and I'd really rather they continue what they're doing and let me adjust.

I don't think of it as anyone's issue but mine. I blame none of this on anyone but me and my own insecurities and fears. I have to take responsibility for them and figure out either how to overcome them or adjust my situation to make it better for me and the other people. I have to take responsibility for my reactions which are driven by these extricates.

On the extreme end I could avoid social situations but that seems unhealthy for me and an unfair reaction to people I do want to spend time with.

end - delta


  1. I've got pretty extreme hypervigilance issues as well. It feels like I'm always creating social models, checking against the constant data flow around me, adjusting and trying different options to get the least odious outcome (all predicated on the idea that there's almost never a "good outcome" option). I have a very difficult time staying anywhere near the moment, and can all too easily get caught in metacognitive loops in my head. It's why I drink socially much of the time; alcohol (at less than toxic levels) usually seems to short circuit some of the metacognitive cycles. It doesn't consistently address my core insecurities, but that's what therapy is for, I guess.

  2. I'm much the same way. I've described it as having a set of gears in your brain. Each one is doing something that can be but is not necessarily interrelated to the gears beside it.

    Something like that. While one gear is talking to someone another is listening to the conversations around me, and still another is watching everything I'm not directly paying attention to, and another is thinking about work.

    Inebriation is as well my primary means of shutting most of that down. If I can forget about all the other stuff then I can focus on the situation at hand and no be thinking about it's implications in our next interaction.

  3. I probably don't have much useful to add, but I wanted to thank you for writing and sharing it.

  4. You are more than welcome. I appreciate you reading it.