Intimacy, polyamory, and emotional labor

Intimacy between two people requires emotional labor. 

I don’t just mean sex, but I also mean that. When you take on a partner(sexual, life, crime, drinking), unless you have negotiated otherwise, you agree to be considerate of their desires, considerate of their emotions, consider them when you make decisions that impact them, considerate of their interests, considerate of how you impact them. You also have to do the emotional labor to gain a better understanding of your relationship, how your desires mesh, how your plans intersect, and who you are together, and what you want together. Just as importantly, you need to consider what you want, what your desires are, what your own problems are, what your own flaw are, and how your health and situation affect your, as well as theirs: and how you express these things to one another in a healthy and constructive manner.

This is what makes people feel as if they are part of a concerted effort, that they are your partner, that they are seen and loved, mostly above any other action or act, these considerations are important. 

And I don’t mean worry. If you are worrying about your partner instead of considering them you aren’t doing emotional labor for the benefit of your relationship, you are trying to defend yourself, and there is likely a much larger issue to be worked on together. But even then, for those things to be successful you have to do the emotional labor.

When you are poly the emotional labor becomes paramount. In my experience, one of the primary complaints in poly relationships  is inconsideration. I have been and will probably be again, guilty of this. It happens, we are all humans with imperfect understanding, and limited time and energy. When you divide the emotional labor you can do amongst multiple partners you can find yourself running out of time and energy. As with all things, admit your mistake, reaffirm your desires

In addition, in all relationships, the amount of emotional labor each person does is usually not an even 50/50. For no other reason than the vagaries of human existence. Emotional labor is hard, especially if you are the partner above the 50 line. When you are poly you have to add an extra layer of management on top of that, which is also hard, so it’s easy to set the level across the board at the same place. Because that’s fair, right? Problem is, humans aren’t the same, some or all emotional labor can be more costly for some but not for others. There can be non-relationship factors: neurological differences, mental and physical medical conditions, stress, job shift….all kinds of things. So to be partners with multiple people you have to mange the levels for each relationship on the merits and conditions of each relationship, the agreements and above all else: together.

If you do fail or choose not to do the emotional labor, because for one reason or another you are focused on a different relationship or situation, or your own problems get in your way, in the short term I think most people are willing to sacrifice for their partner.  As it might help their partner, or make them happy and generally helping your partner is part of being their partner. However, when it lasts too long, you aren’t communicating with them, or it turns from your partner making a sacrifice to an ambivalence or disregard, then you are taking your partner for granted.

When you become unwilling to do the emotional labor, to consider your partner, to think about their emotions, and desires….when you stop the emotional labor you lose the intimacy. This can happen through no malice, planning, or intention on either partner’s part. Rarely are one or both not aware it’s happening even if they pretend it isn’t. Usually it comes with anger, primarily at one’s self.

However, most of the time it’s going to be about tending to the relationship. Showing your partner you are doing the emotional labor through action and word. No one is holding up a meter or keeping exacting score so things are ‘fair’. You have to find the place where your emotional labor is making yourself, your partner, and the relationship healthy and happy.  It can take a lot of work to find that place, and in fact you may never find a perfect balance, but the important part is to try and to keep communicating.

Emotional labor is hard for every one, but if you love someone it is a literal labor of love.

Zero-sum Polyamory

Zero-sum in game theory is the direct correlation between one player's gain and the other player's loss. For example, in a hand of poker one Player A's take of the pot is directly equal to the loss of Player B .When the gain and the loss are added together; it is a zero sum result. In a zero sum game one player cannot win unless the other player loses. For example, taking a piece of a pie reduces the amount of pie available for others. This is the way that many people operate in the real world. The competitive nature of our society is based on zero-sum games. These games are played out in sports, business and within many social constructs- including monogamy. The conventional thought within monogamy is that you cannot give to another person without taking away from your partner. You see this exemplified in every jealous lover on every day time talk show. Polyamorous people, those who have chosen to share their emotional resources should be outside such zero-sum games, but that is seldom the case.

It may seem crass to refer to interpersonal relationships as a game but most people are firmly rooted in their competitive nature. Because of the framework of our society it is the usual mode of operation for all of us; the gains of time, attention, love, affection…etc are to the loss of another 'player' or partner. For many people in poly situations this will seem like a ludicrous way to operate but it happens all the time.

To pull an all too common resource of a zero-sum situation in poly we will use sex. For the purposes of this example we will define sex as "intimate physical contact to include penetration (toy, penis, or any random object lying around the room), manual stimulation and oral to genital contact." Jane and Mandy are in a poly relationship and Mandy is dating Billy. Billy and Mandy are close and have had sex many times. This fact upsets Jane who believes that some act or action by Billy and Mandy takes from her the intimate closeness that she and Mandy share. Billy and Mandy have a falling out and stop their physical relationship. Jane's perception of the situation is that, now that Mandy is only having sex with her, she has regained some of that intimate closeness that she and Mandy had. The truth is that Jane and Mandy never lost touch but because of the zero-sum game Jane was playing, the actually gain and the perceived gain were not the same. All gains in this situation are perceived gains and there for immeasurable and highly subjective.

What Jane did was create an unnecessary conflict that didn't benefit her or the group as a whole but kept the situation static. If Jane had instead used a strategy of equilibrium to resolve her perceived loss, the outcome would have been consistently at least Pareto optimal i.e. the gains for all players are equitable. She should have examined what she was getting, what Mandy was getting, what Billy was getting and created a strategy that improved her situation, the situation of the group and the individuals in the group. This does not always yield the largest gains for anyone involved but it does create the optimal situation.

Approaching poly and relationships from a zero-sum mentality is damaging to both the relationship and your own psyche. In addition it creates conflict and strife in what already is going to be a hard situation, as all interpersonal relationships are. What others gain does not necessarily correlate to a loss for you and often there is a balance that can be reached that doesn't involve the deprivation of anyone's gain.

-R.D.