Intimacy between two people requires emotional labor.
I don’t just mean sex, but I also mean that. When you take on a partner(sexual, life, crime, drinking), unless you have negotiated otherwise, you agree to be considerate of their desires, considerate of their emotions, consider them when you make decisions that impact them, considerate of their interests, considerate of how you impact them. You also have to do the emotional labor to gain a better understanding of your relationship, how your desires mesh, how your plans intersect, and who you are together, and what you want together. Just as importantly, you need to consider what you want, what your desires are, what your own problems are, what your own flaw are, and how your health and situation affect your, as well as theirs: and how you express these things to one another in a healthy and constructive manner.
This is what makes people feel as if they are part of a concerted effort, that they are your partner, that they are seen and loved, mostly above any other action or act, these considerations are important.
And I don’t mean worry. If you are worrying about your partner instead of considering them you aren’t doing emotional labor for the benefit of your relationship, you are trying to defend yourself, and there is likely a much larger issue to be worked on together. But even then, for those things to be successful you have to do the emotional labor.
When you are poly the emotional labor becomes paramount. In my experience, one of the primary complaints in poly relationships is inconsideration. I have been and will probably be again, guilty of this. It happens, we are all humans with imperfect understanding, and limited time and energy. When you divide the emotional labor you can do amongst multiple partners you can find yourself running out of time and energy. As with all things, admit your mistake, reaffirm your desires
In addition, in all relationships, the amount of emotional labor each person does is usually not an even 50/50. For no other reason than the vagaries of human existence. Emotional labor is hard, especially if you are the partner above the 50 line. When you are poly you have to add an extra layer of management on top of that, which is also hard, so it’s easy to set the level across the board at the same place. Because that’s fair, right? Problem is, humans aren’t the same, some or all emotional labor can be more costly for some but not for others. There can be non-relationship factors: neurological differences, mental and physical medical conditions, stress, job shift….all kinds of things. So to be partners with multiple people you have to mange the levels for each relationship on the merits and conditions of each relationship, the agreements and above all else: together.
In addition, in all relationships, the amount of emotional labor each person does is usually not an even 50/50. For no other reason than the vagaries of human existence. Emotional labor is hard, especially if you are the partner above the 50 line. When you are poly you have to add an extra layer of management on top of that, which is also hard, so it’s easy to set the level across the board at the same place. Because that’s fair, right? Problem is, humans aren’t the same, some or all emotional labor can be more costly for some but not for others. There can be non-relationship factors: neurological differences, mental and physical medical conditions, stress, job shift….all kinds of things. So to be partners with multiple people you have to mange the levels for each relationship on the merits and conditions of each relationship, the agreements and above all else: together.
If you do fail or choose not to do the emotional labor, because for one reason or another you are focused on a different relationship or situation, or your own problems get in your way, in the short term I think most people are willing to sacrifice for their partner. As it might help their partner, or make them happy and generally helping your partner is part of being their partner. However, when it lasts too long, you aren’t communicating with them, or it turns from your partner making a sacrifice to an ambivalence or disregard, then you are taking your partner for granted.
When you become unwilling to do the emotional labor, to consider your partner, to think about their emotions, and desires….when you stop the emotional labor you lose the intimacy. This can happen through no malice, planning, or intention on either partner’s part. Rarely are one or both not aware it’s happening even if they pretend it isn’t. Usually it comes with anger, primarily at one’s self.
When you become unwilling to do the emotional labor, to consider your partner, to think about their emotions, and desires….when you stop the emotional labor you lose the intimacy. This can happen through no malice, planning, or intention on either partner’s part. Rarely are one or both not aware it’s happening even if they pretend it isn’t. Usually it comes with anger, primarily at one’s self.
However, most of the time it’s going to be about tending to the relationship. Showing your partner you are doing the emotional labor through action and word. No one is holding up a meter or keeping exacting score so things are ‘fair’. You have to find the place where your emotional labor is making yourself, your partner, and the relationship healthy and happy. It can take a lot of work to find that place, and in fact you may never find a perfect balance, but the important part is to try and to keep communicating.
Emotional labor is hard for every one, but if you love someone it is a literal labor of love.
No comments:
Post a Comment