Thursday, April 17, 2014

The devil on my shoulder is kind of boring asshole.

For as long as I can remember there have been two distinct pieces to my conscious mind. One part takes in input, processes reactions, has conversations with people, uses the computer..all the stuff that you might describe as being outside of your mind. The other part is something like a voice in my head that carries on a constant monologue. I'm not talking about CrimeTV multiple personality disorder or anything like that. I am fully conscious and aware of both parts and while they feel different I understand they are both part of the same thing. Like differentiating between your hands when you are using them for some task, they are both independent and part of the same whole working on concert.

90% of the time the part of my brain that carries on this soliloquy runs in the background. It's like breathing or blinking, I don't notice it until I directly pay attention to it(and well when it sneaks up on me). 10% of the time it's like having an annoying, boring devil on my shoulder carrying on about innocuous bull shit and no amount of annoyed sighing seems to deter him from soldiering on. But whether I notice it or not it's always there, contemplating, solving issues, or just prattling on.

I'm positive it's always there, even if I don't notice it, because it shows up at random and sometimes inappropriate times, since as during a movie, when I'm trying to fall asleep and during sex. Also, at any point I can intentionally pay attention to it, and every time I've tried it's always there.

Mine is not a quiet mind.

The downside is that this ongoing commentary on my life is not always positive. Sometimes it keeps me up at night so that I can't sleep, going over and over problems or memories. Sometimes it's saying terrible things, not about me, I mean I have poor self-esteem/self-image moments and in those times it does seem sort of mean, but those thoughts always come from an emotional place, and the devil on my shoulder does not truck with emotions. All of those thoughts come from my front-brain, feed to it by terrible biochemical reactions. All the negativity and bile it seems to spew is about things outside of me. People, places, things, experiences....really everything is up for grabs. There are so many things that this little voice posits that I could never ever tell anyone else. The voice is reactionary, impulsive, paranoid, hateful and aggressive. Pretty often my front-brain chides the voice for being unfair or when it's being a pain in the ass.

There is, however, an amazing upside to this babbling demon, it helps me solve problems faster. It seems to have unfettered access to my memories and logic center. My front brain doesn't always, it has to go through the intuition drive through window and ask for the info it wants. The good news is that the devil honestly just wants to help the front-brain out, he always gives good answers and even when I cannot connect those conclusion, logically, with observation and proof, I'm positive that if I listen to the voice long enough, he'll spell it all out for me. And he's good at sussing out truth from fiction or connecting minor ideas/thoughts together to make associations.

Yeah he's an asshole, yeah he doesn't have a good attitude about...well...anything, but without the little devil I I would be cut off from a part of my mind that I treasure immensely.

I'm sure if I had a professional examine me they'd figure out it some kind of dissociative disorder, or that it's a coping mechanism for anxiety but I honestly don't care. It could be stockholm syndrome but I want the boring little asshole to stay.

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